You’ve never meditated like this before!
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Thanks,
Tokumei
TRANSCRIPT
Welcome, skeptics and fidgeters! You’ve somehow found your way to the first ever episode of “Snarky Meditation for Pessimists.” I’m your host, Tokumei Snark, and I’m as surprised as you are that we’re doing this. Today’s episode? Meditation for those who can’t sit still and honestly have better things to do. I’ll be your guide on this absurd journey towards inner peace, or at least towards not wanting to flip out every time someone says ‘mindfulness.’
Why snarky?
Because traditional meditation involves: sitting, being still, being quiet, trying not to think as your mind’s 12 tabs are open with some random song playing in the background. Oh – and you’re supposed to be serious through it all.
“Today, we’re tackling the big one: actually trying to meditate. I know, I know, you’d rather listen to someone chew loudly than meditate, but stick with me. In another episode we’ll also share tips on how to meditate when your mind is less like a calm ocean and more like a pinball machine, so stay tuned.
With the snark, it’s about embracing the chaos, not clearing it – making peace with reality. Because isn’t that what meditation is supposed to be about anyway?
“Now, let’s talk about why traditional meditation can feel like watching paint dry. Is it the endless silence? The need to ‘clear your mind’? Or is it the fact that every meditation session feels like an eternity of boredom? Let’s dissect this together.” Think about it for 1 minute. Seriously, why do you hate the idea of meditation? Go!
Look, you’ve had your first minute of silence and you made it through! Great job, now for our
3 minute ‘Fidget-Friendly Meditation.’ It’s short, it’s sweet, and it won’t make you feel like a failure:
Here is what you were going to do, you’re going to count. I hope you can do this. Can you count to four? How about six? I knew you were brilliant! OK, you’re going to slowly, you know, like you did in first grade were you said one Mississippi to Mississippi? Like that. You’re going to breeze in counting to 4, then you’re going to breathe out counting slowly to 6.
Now I’m going to tell you a secret that the traditional meditation people aren’t going to tell you. The deal is, it doesn’t matter what the numbers are, or how many seconds you breathe in and breathe out. The point is to focus on the counting. It’s the numbers that make you forget all the other crap and actually help you relax. So what we’re gonna do, is do this breathing thing, and I’m just gonna be quiet for one minute while you try it ready? Go!
Here’s where it’s going to get real. You’re going to breathe. OK, yes
STAY TUNED TOMORROW FOR SUPERHERO MEDITATION!! Yes, we’re bringing out our inner geek. Don’t like superhero? Well, you’re a monster, also – you can just hit your skip button and go to the next one. Or find a real meditation because maybe we’re just not compatible…whatever